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[Timballisto]

...uh...why do we keep killing Lemmy?  Seriously!  I mean, is he simply some kind of thing we take our frustrations out on?  Huh?  What gives?  And who is this Xan anyway?

[Lemeri]

Read 'Favourite Game Charactor' thread. Xan is explained there. And yes, that is one good thoery about poor lemmy.  
Another is that violence is funny. Or maybe just that we are violent people.

* * *

When Lemmy came to, he was in...
"Welcome to the HOSP, young Sir Lemmy!" the lead doctor said, his eyes glowing a brilliant yellow.
"You... Freaks of nature! You made... Made me come back!" Lemmy gasped.
"There now, you've had a bat night. Don't worry. Take this pill."
"Is it poision?"
"No, it's a mind altering drug."
Lemmy hurled the pill out the window a sat up.
"Where do you keep... err, Caffiene?" Lemmy asked with a clueless exrpession.
"The yellow box" The doctor replied, as one under hypnosis is want to do. Lemmy got up and tore up the box with a savage cry. He stood panting as little yellow pills began to spill out of the box in a river. He began scooping them up one after another.
Xan walked into the room.
"Xan! It isn't killing me! Why?!" Lemmy shouted in anger, turning on the cyborg.
"Because you aren't eating them." Xan said. Lemmy began to eat pill after pill.
"It still isn't killing me."
"Of course it isn't, kid. You're immortal, remember?"
"Reverse it! REVERSE IT!" Lemmy shouted, pounding his fist on the wall.

[Lemika]

"I cannot do that, Lemmy."
Lemmy's eyes bugged out, and he clawed the ground in a feeble gesture.
Xan continued to stare at Lemmy.
"You are disrupted the sacred peace and security of the hospital," the doctor droned.
Lemmy jumped. He had forgotten the mindless menace was still there!
"To hell with the peace and security of the hospital," Lemmy snarled. "I know what you people are doing here! You're running a sham! You're conning HONEST folk out of their money! You two-bit, scum-ridden, mud-wallowing parasitical crooks!"
Lemmy paused for a moment, panting. "I'LL KILL THE LOT OF YOU!" he roared, lunging at the doctor, who nimbly dodged aside and hurled Lemmy against the wall. He saw stars.
Through his haze of pain he could make out Xan and the doctor battling, but it was a very breif battle. No sooner did the doctor pull out an M-16, Xan pulled out a flak cannon, and the doctor lay bleeding on the floor.
"You will not have to deal with him again," Xan remarked.
"I won't have to deal with anything again," Lemmy whispered. "It's cold. There's blood on the floor. I... I think I'm dying!"
"Snap out of it, kid," Xan growled. "You're not dead yet, and you won't be. Didn't I just tell you that you can't die? Get up!"
Lemmy felt himself being jerked to his feet as if by invisable strings. "How did you do that?" he asked, with a completely clueless expression on his face.
"Trade secret," Xan hissed. And then he was gone.
 
Lemmy looked around the bloodspattered room. It appeared to be a fairly normal hospital aside from that, and the bodies sprawled hap-hazardly across cold metal tables.
Lemmy bent and rifled the fast cooling corpse of the doctor. He found nothing useful on him, and spat at the wall.
He was vaguely dissapointed when his spit didn't burn a hole through the wall.
That didn't last long, however; he thought he had a plan. He tied all of the bedsheets together, tied the M-16 to the end, and tossed the whole contraption out the window. Then he clambered out the window.

Only after he was somewhat safely on the other side did he realize that he could have simply walked out the door. Lemmy shrugged, tossed the makeshift rope into the street, and walked along, humming to himself. He laughed raucously and gave the thumb's-up sign when his rope created a thirty car pileup in the middle of the road.
But his happy state of mind was not to last, for...

[Timballisto]

in San Fransisco, there was a bug.  Someone stepped on it.  The bug's juice ran down inot the gutter, and into the sewers.  From there, it flowed into the local reservoir.  A bird drank the juice while taking a drink.  The bird flew around for a couple feet, and then died because a hunter shot it.  The hunter ate the bird.  The bug juice gave him food poisoning, however, and he ran around in circles.  This caused a disturbance in the air.  The disturbance was sensed by all local squirrels.  The squirrels met, and decided to get rid of the disturbance.  A human was the cause of the disturbance, so all the squirrels decided to eliminate humans.  They started with the hunter.  After that, they all moved to destroy San Fransisco.  The United States military and the squirrels faced off.  The squirrels won.  This threw the entire western hemisphere into panic, as they feared that it would quickly lead to a squirrel version of "The Planet of the Apes".  In their frenzied panic, people started to drill on fault lines.  They caused huge earth quakes, which registerd magnitudes of above 15.5 on the Richter scale (...I'm not even sure if it goes that high.).  The earthquakes disrupted the whole world.  This made the eastern hemisphere mad.  So, they went to war with the western hemisphere, and both sides blasted the crud out of each other with nuclear bombs. Not long after the war started, the earth split into two pieces.  One went hurtling towards the earth like planet Lemmy was currently on.  That's why he wouldn't be so happy anymore soon.  The moral: DO NOT EVER STEP ON A BUG...okay, never mind - go ahead.  It's a better place without them.

[Lemeri]

"THE SKY IS FALLLLIIIIIINNNNGGG!! AND I'M HAPPPPPYYYYY!!" Lemmy sang as he charged along the street.
"Why?" Xan asked.
"Because people will die."
"you will die, Lemmy."
"I can't die, Xan."
"Maybe not. But you will be nothing but a broken bag of bones and blood in... 33 seconds and counting."
"Can you stop it?!"
"Of course I can. But I won't."
"Yes you will you scrap-heap spawn!"
"Why would I do that?"
"Becauase I say so!"
"Heh. And when Lemmy the amateur speak, people listen, eh?" Said a snide man lounging by the road.
"10 seconds." Said Xan.
"STOP IT!"
"9 seconds."
"I'LL KILL YOU!"
"8 seconds."
"Look Xan! I'll give you 50 bucks to stop it!"
"4 seconds."
Lemmy could see the huge mass in the sky. Gravity was acting up. Hugr waves were battering the shores. Strangely, Xan was not affected.
A strange feeling came over Lemmy. He reached his hand out and snarled "Ugahf!". The half-planet shrank to the size of the moon.
"Gah! Ugahf! Ugahf! UGAHF!" Lemmy shouted in terror.
The moon sized object shrank to be about 1000 feet on a side, and smashed into the planet.

[Lemika]

Lemmy watched with horror as the chunk of rock punched straight through the planet, creating a donut-hole like tunnel.
"Xan?" he asked. "I haven't died yet. Neither has anyone else."
"You will."
At that moment, Lemmy heard the pain-filled screams of the dying, and saw hundreds of little people being pulled apart into atoms.
"That's awful!" he said, happily. "I've never seen such carnage!"
"You will."
Lemmy whirled around. "Xan, STOP THAT!"
The robot gave no answer, and Lemmy's perception of space and time warped out of all recognition. He thought he was skewed, and then he thought that it was merely space and time that were skewed.
And then he was lying face down on a black slab of stone.
Not another sacrifice, Lemmy thought, but then he realized that that was not the case. He threw himself off the slab with a strangled yell.
"Time for some REAL work," he snarled, and stalked around the black room.

[Timballisto]

He sat down, and began to work on a 243,634,933.00000000000000000000000000000000000009 piece jigsaw puzzle of himself.

[Lemika]

He thought he spent years working on the thing, but he finally finished. "It was long, difficult work," he snarled to himself, "But it was worth it. Never before have I seen such a perfect likeness of ... ME, LEMMY!"
He pounded his chest, and then tripped over the puzzle and slid straight through the wall.
He was horrified to discover it was an illusion, and he was standing in a dark, boulder-strewn plane of rock. The sun was setting, staining the sky blood-red and purple.
"I could've done this at any time!" Lemmy wailed. "What a fool I am!"
Then a sudden realization stuck him. "Good Lord! -Choke- My jigsaw puzzle! How could I!" he exclaimed, walking over to the edge of a large precipice.
He was just about to jump from it and end it all, when suddenly...

[Timballisto]

HE MUTATED INTO A SMILEY!!!  LEMMY =>  

[Lemeri]

"Hey kid. What's happened to ya?" Xan asked, leaning on the post of a swinging tavern door. Lemmy tried to asnwer, but all that came out of his mouth was an absurd series of HTML errors.

[Lemika]

Xan took another look at Lemmy, and then doubled over laughing.
Lemmy tried to make a sarcastic comment, but as before, he could not. He felt like his head was going to explode...
... And it did.
Fortunately, that fixed his problem -- he was back in his own body again.
"Stop laughing at me!" he snarled at Xan, clenching his paws on the railing. "Or I'll -- I'll --"
"Or you'll what, kid?" Xan gasped. "Mutate into something even more bizarre?"
"No... where did you get that idea, Xan?" Lemmy asked, an utterly clueless expression coming across his face.
Xan shook his head. "Never mind, kid. Just jump over the edge."
"That's what I was going to do earlier!" Lemmy whined. "Why now? Why me? Why this lonely planetary hulk?"
Xan pushed Lemmy over the edge.

[Timballisto]

He immdeiately proceeded to pull out his umbrella (He had been one of the lucky few to be given a floater assignement, and he kept his cherished umbrella since that time.). &#A0;He opened it up, and...

[Lemeri]

It's top inverted and the umbrella broke.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Lemmy roared. His primal rage flowed from him, and the broken thing repaired itself.

[Timballisto]

This was fortunate because the umbrella was awesome &#A0;B) and there was a guy with sunglasses. &#A0;He was torepedoed.

A warehouse had some boxes


 &#A0;



Lemmy landed on the boxes &#A0;.


EDIT:  wah.  The boxes won't show up.

[Lemika]

"These... boxes... they don't work, Xan!" Lemmy gasped, his face suffused once more with utter cluelessnes as he fell straight through the boxes and landed with a resounding clang on the cold, metal floor.
"They work perfectly, kid," Xan hissed. "I'll thank you to remember that we are mortal enemies."
Lemmy stared. "Xan... you're my friend! You... you can't betray me! I... they'll take me to the hosp! You can't do this to me, Xan!"
"Sorry, old boy," Xan snarled, tossing a cigar on the ground and grinding it beneath his heel. "I'm with the enemy on this one. Lemmy must DIE."
Then he turned on his heel and strode out, leaving Lemmy to ponder why he had a cigar and wasn't smoking it.
It took far longer than it should've, but Lemmy eventually came to the conclusion that he couldn't, for he was a cyborg.
And then the reality of the situation sank in on poor Lemmy. He realized that surrounding him were...