Post some jokes here!

[Minim]

For some reason I can't get the Buddha joke. Love the Cat and Noah's Ark jokes!

Here are some of the funniest jokes unveiled from the Edinburgh Fringe. Below are five of my favourites out of the 15 best jokes of this year. (See here for the full list, see how many you can get!)

"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart"
"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one..."
"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask"
"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words"
"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first"

[mobius]

here's a program that randomly mixes up sound clips to make jokes. Put it into a blank web page to work.

*warning* it contains naughty language and sometimes utterly humorless, confusing stuff.

[Colorful Arty]

What snack has mass appeal?

Spoiler

Gram crackers

[Colorful Arty]

What's the best class for a stoner to take?

Spoiler

Algebruh

[Nessy]

This isn't my joke; I read it a long time ago. I paraphrased it below because I don't remember it exactly. I'm sorry if you don't understand it and yes I do have a strange sense of humor.



Two mathematicians, mathematician A and B, walk into a bar. Mathematician A says to B, "You know what's wrong with today's society? No one knows Calculus anymore".
"I'm sure," says mathematician A, "that there are still plenty of people that know Calculus".

Mathematician B goes to the bathroom. Mathematician A makes sure he is gone and then calls over the bartender. "When my friend comes back," he says, "I'm going to ask you a question and I want your response to be x cubed over 3".

The bartender looks confused, but then nods. Mathematician B comes back and mathematician A says, "You know what, I'm going to prove you wrong". He looks at the bartender and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but what is the integral of x squared?"

The bartender looks at him with the same confused expression, but then finally says, "x cubed over 3".

Mathematician A looks surprised, nods, and then says, "I guess I was wrong, people do-"

But then he was cut off as the bartender suddenly stops, turns around, and shouts, "Wrong! The integral of x squared is x cubed over three PLUS the constant of integration!"

[mobius]

A man comes home to his wife and says

"Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!"

she says; "Oh boy! What should I pack?"

he says; "I don't care, just pack and get the heck out!"

-------

A man goes to the doctor and the doctor prescribes him suppositories. He goes home and after a week comes back and says to the doctor;

"These pills aren't working at all!"

The doctor says; "Are you sure you're taking them correctly?"

He says "of course! What am I supposed to do, shove em up my ass?"

[Nessy]

Here's one my grandmother read and told me a while back. It was originally in Spanish so I did my best to translate it into English without losing the joke.


A couple is having trouble having a baby. They went to the doctor to get tested and the results came out as the following: the wife got "N" and the husband got "OUFP". The husband shouted out, "Ha, you're the one with the problem! You got N for Nope" and I got OUFP for "Ohmygosh you're Undeniable in your Freaking Prime". A doctor overheard them and said, "You are incorrect sir. Your wife got N for Normal, and you got OUFP for Only Useful For Peeing".

[mobius]

this one's a little dirty.

Spoiler

two old men are sitting on a park bench and the one says
"I'm so old, I'm so, so old!"
The other one says; "I know how old you are."
he says; "you have no idea how old I am!"
the other says; "Stand up and I'll tell you how old you are." So the guy stands up and the other says; "now drop your pants."
"What? Why?"
"Just drop your pants, I'll be able to tell how old you are." So he drops his pants.
Then the guy says; "Now bend over and shove two fingers up your butt."
He goes; "there's people around! We're in public!"
"Just do it; I'll tell you how old you are!" So he bends over and shoves two fingers up his butthole. Then the man looks at him and says: "You're 95."
He says: "that's incredible! how could you tell?"
he says: "you told me yesterday."

[chrisleec728]

A lemming walks into a bar carrying a pickax. The bartender looks up and sees him and says, "Sorry, we don't serve miners."

[Nessy]

What did the element say to Copper and Tellurium?

Spoiler

"I think you guys are CuTe."

[607]

(I guess I can ignore the red text here, as people might want to reread these jokes as well as adding new ones )

The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family. The problem is that no one runs in your family.

What do you call a factory that sells passable products?

Spoiler

A satisfactory.

[Metallica]

- What would have to change if Polish streets accomplished the European law?
- The European law! XD
I'm Polish and sometimes this joke is really true...

[Nessy]

Let's warm up this thread

1) My uncle is so extremely cheap that when he died and saw the light, he went towards the light and turned it off.

2) My wife always gives me a hard time on how horrible I am at directions. One day I got fed up with it, so I packed my bags and right the house.

[Minim]

Looks like Neesy's been inspired by RockLems and the possibility of a Metamorphic rank. This deserves to be revived because if that.

Oh yes, forgot about this thread. I must list my favourite jokes from last year's Edinburgh fringe. (There's more to come this year too, in a month's time. Looking forward to it)

- "Never Apologise! Never Explain!" – Sorry, that's my motto.

- I'm entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off.

- You let me write numbers on your hands. I knew I could count on you.

- No good at talking to women. I'm 28 and recently my Grandmother and I had the "are you gay conversation". She isn't.

- I've only got two weaknesses: being vague, and another weakness.

- I hate it when I'm trying to tell people about my cool new smart watch and they just keep shouting "Doctor, for the last time, please just tell us the time of death!"

- When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming.

- Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short.

- I'm super competitive which is like being competitive but better.

[Minim]

Alright! More jokes have been revealed from the fringe this year! Here are some of my personal favourites.

- "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it"

- "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets"

- "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy"

- "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it"

- "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'"
It might be a cliché but that last joke reminds me of this famous level from a long time ago.