Post some jokes here!

[Colorful Arty]

Three men walked into a bar.

You'd think the third one would have ducked.

[Wafflem]

How do you make a whale float?

Spoiler

Root bear, ice cream and a whale.

[Colorful Arty]

It's difficult to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.

[Wafflem]

What has four wheels and flies?

Spoiler

A garbage truck!

[Colorful Arty]

A man had to cross a mountain range to visit his friend in the nearby village, however he was poor and couldn't afford a good horse.
A man who sold horses felt sympathy for him, and offered to sell him a very fast horse for a price he could afford.
"Here's the thing," the man said. "This horse is very peculiar. He will only respond to very specific commands. He will only start running if you say "Praise the Lord" and he will only stop if you say "Lord, please have mercy on me".

The man in need of a horse thought this was odd, but bought the horse and rode it, confident he could remember the commands.
He said, "Praise the Lord" and the horse took off running. The horse was indeed very fast, and the man knew he made the right decision.

However, when they were high in the mountains, the horse took off running towards the edge of a cliff!

"Stop! Stop!" the man yelled. He had forgotten the secret words to make the horse stop. Finally, when the man was resigned to his fate, he begged "Lord, please have mercy on me!" The horse heard the command and came to a screeching halt right at the edge of the cliff.

The man was so happy, he yelled "Praise the Lord!"

[Wafflem]

^ LOL XD

How do you greet a stack of hay?

Spoiler

Hey, stack!

[607]

IchoTolot's is amazing, and I like the first two from Colorful Arty a lot too!
I already knew the last one, but with different phrases.
It's a very good one, though!
But Wafflem, the why did the Lemming cross the road, didn't namida already post that?

[Wafflem]

Oops I didn't notice. Changed.

[Colorful Arty]

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks them "Do you all want a drink?"
The first logician says "I don't know."
The second logicians says "I don't know."
The third logician says "Yes."

[Colorful Arty]

Why couldn't any of the animals play cards on Noah's Ark?

Spoiler

Because Noah sat on the deck

[Wafflem]

A panicked man runs into the veterinarian's office with a dying lemming. The vet brings him and the lemming to an examination and places the lemming on the examination table. After the vet examines the limp body of the lemming, she informs the man that the lemming, sadly, is dead.

The man is less than willing to accept this and asks for more tests. The vet goes to the back room and brings out a cat, and places the cat next to the lemming's body. The cat sniffs it, checking the lemming's green hair and feet and then gives a low-pitched meow to the vet. The vet tells the man that the cat thinks the lemming is dead.

The man still refuses to believe her, so the vet brings out a black Labrador. The Labrador sniffs the body from green hair to feet, and then gives a long, sad bark. The vet then tells the man that the Labrador also thinks the lemming is dead.

The man is forced to accept this, and then asks the vet how much it costs.

"$700," she said.
"WHAT?!" the man asks in a shocked tone. "$700 to tell me that my lemming is dead?"
"Well," the vet replies, "I would have charged you $50 for my diagnosis. The $650 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

[Colorful Arty]

Why were the Indians in America before we were?

Spoiler

Because they had reservations.

[607]

It's difficult to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.

After over a month and a lot of rereads, I finally get this one!

[Colorful Arty]

Here's a classic.

Buddha walks into a hot dog shop and orders "one with everything".

[mobius]

An old woman hobbles into a doctor's office with her back bent over in a lot of pain. A few minutes later she walks out standing up tall and straight. A person watching rushes over to the doctor to ask what he did to cure her. The doctor says; "I gave her a taller cane."


lol I forgot I already told this one earlier in this thread
----

A man and wife take a ride on a horse and carriage through the country. An old man is driving the horses. After a while, one of the horses steps in a pot hole and fumbles before getting his footing again and the carriage wobbles back and forth. They hear the driver say, to himself apparently, "that's one." The man and wife shrug and continue to look at the scenery. After a while the horse steps in another pothole and the carriage tips again. The driver says "that's two." Not long later the horse trips a third time, this time the carriage almost tips over. The driver shakes his head and says "That's three, I've gotta kill it." He stops the horses, takes out a large gun and shoots the horse dead.
The woman stands up and shouts "Oh my god! Why would you do that? It's an innocent animal! Just because it gave us a bumpy ride!?"
The driver sets his gun down, sits back down, glances at her and says "That's one."