Post some jokes here!

[arttu98]

Post some funny jokes here!

Why did the lemming cross the road?
-Because he had no diggers, he couldn't dig under it!

[namida]

I prefer a different answer to that, "Because there were no blockers stopping him." xD

[GigaLem]

I wish there was a way to make Sonic '06 better
but ITS NO USE
........
(if you don't get it this will explain the joke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XvsT6RCLUM" class="bbc_link" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XvsT6RCLUM caution: language)

[namida]

WARNING: This joke is slightly racist. However, it's not so bad because it doesn't really matter *which* two races you use, it can work with any.


A Mexican walks into a bar and sees a black barkeeper working there, so he says to him, "Oi, darkie, gimme a beer!"
The barkeeper looks at him and says, "Look, I'll get you your beer, but I'd appreciate it if you watch what you say in here."
The Mexican just gives him a dirty look, takes his beer, and starts drinking it.
5 minutes later, he's finished it, and yells "Oi coon, I want another beer!"
At this point, the black guy is furious. He yells at the Mexican, "Why are you saying that crap! How would you like it if you were working here and I started calling you slurs?"
The Mexican replies "I don't know to be honest. Why don't we swap places and find out?"
So the Mexican puts on the bar uniform, starts scrubbing dishes and serving customers. The black guy walks out, and walks back in casually dressed.
The black guy sits down at the bar, and yells "Oi, spic, gimme a beer!"
The Mexican looks at him and calmly replies, "I'm sorry. We don't serve niggers here."

[mobius]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THKONRG1zGg" class="bbc_link" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THKONRG1zGg

I recommend watching the whole show. Bill Cosby's first stand up in three decades, still very funny.

[grams88]

I might copy a joke I posted on another forum.

One time my dad was going to the doctors because he had a sore back.
(The doctor started the conservation)

How can I help you sir?

Dad said my back is killing me.

Doctor, what is wrong with your back.

Dad, everytime I sit down my back gets sore.

Doctor, I get that sometimes when I sit down my back gets sore.

Dad, You can use a cushion to lean against.

Doctor, you know what I never thought of that but it doesn't help with the pain in my arm.

Dad, I know a specialist my friend I could refer you to, what about I give him a phone tonight,

Doctor, That would be great well hope you have a good day.

Dad, See you after, hope you get better.

(As soon as my dad left the the surgery he thought to himself what the hell just happened there I was meant to have been giving advice how come it was the other way around)

[GuyPerfect]

So what's the deal with that 'what's the deal with airline food' joke? It seems everyone's aware of the notion that it's supposed to be a terrible non-joke, but then again, nobody except nobody actually understands where the humor supposedly comes from.

See, there's three kinds of people who respond to the phrase "What's the deal with airline food?":

1) "Ugh, boooo! Get off the stage!"
2) "I don't get it. What's so funny about that?"
3) "That's just it. It's NOT funny! Hahahaha!"

Of the three, only number 2 is showing any sense, because 1 and 3 aren't even thinking about it. Be careful about replying to this, since you'll probably just wind up in group 3. (-: Think about it, have you ever heard anyone explain why it's supposed to be funny? Of all the people you've ever talked to who supposedly "get it", have they ever elaborated on it? I've seen my fair share of "But when someone explained it to me, I sure felt silly!", but not a one ever went into detail. The closest thing I've ever found to an explanation is "airline food is terrible", which... isn't a joke.

I set out to find the hidden meaning of "airline food" and, much to my amusement, found that nobody knows why everyone thinks it's a joke. Because, as it turns out, it's not a joke or even a non-joke. It was a segue between bits during a performance by one Jerry Seinfeld, where he was telling jokes about the airplane travel experience. It was simply a way to transition into jokes about the food served on airplanes; the line itself was never meant to be humorous. The fullest context of how it gained its current status as a lame joke may have been lost to time, but it's always linked to lousy comics ripping off other people's acts. It would be like someone saying "in other news" and the audience groaning.

Aaaaaaaanyhoo, seeing as how this is a thread about actual jokes, I present you with two subtle variations that actually do genuinely include humorous intent:

1) So what's up with airline food?
2) So what's the deal with Monty Hall?

[namida]

How can you tell if a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

[namida]

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who didn't expect this to be a trinary joke.

[mobius]

heard this on How it's Made; the real reason airline food tastes less than great is because being in high altitudes of the plane actually makes your tasts buds not work as well. I don't remember why though.

-------
An old man goes into the doctor hobbling over awkwardly on a short cane. A few minutes later he comes out walking tall and proud with a smile on his face. A man in the waiting room asks the doctor what he did to help the old man. The doctor said; "I gave him a taller cane."

[RubiX]

What did one lawyer say to the other ?


We're lawyers

[grams88]

Why did the dog go into the fire? To become a hotdog

I know it's a very bad joke.

[IchoTolot]

Ok then I will drop one as well



A little one-man-plane crashes into the jungle. The man survives, gets off the plane and saw himself surrounded by a wild native tribe.

He says: "Oh no, now I'm fucked!"

Then a dark voice speaks to him: "No, you are not! Go to the chieftain, grab his spear and kill him"

The man runs to the chieftain, quickly grabs his spear and kills him violently.

"And now?" he askes.

The voice replies:"Now you're fucked!"

[Colorful Arty]

A man walks into a bar and notices there are several slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling by ropes.
He asks the bartender, "Why are there slices of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The bartender replies, "Oh, that's one of the special things about this bar. Any customer can take the meat challenge here."
The man asks, "What's the meat challenge?"
The bartender answered, "You can try to jump as high as you can and see if you can touch the meat. If you succeed, you get free drinks for an hour, but if you fail, then you have to buy drinks for everyone else in the bar."
The man said, "That is an interesting challenge."
The bartender asked him, "Would you like to give it a try?"
The man stopped, pondered for a while, and then shook his head saying, "I don't think so. The steaks are too high."

[grams88]

Liking those ones Ichotolot and Colorful Arty.

This one might not be a joke as such but it was one I posted on another website. Maybe a funny story.

I decided to make the plunge and go and visit an old school friend who I have not seen for ages. When I arrived she was very welcoming and was so happy to see me so we started talking about old times. I felt sort of hungry so I asked if she had anything to eat and she said sure I'll will get you a little something, She also asked if I would like a glass of wine, I don't really take alcohol but I did not want to offend her by saying no so I said yes I will try some wine. She let me pour the wine myself and looking at the bottle of wine it looked expensive but I did not want to ask how much it was.

She offered me some donuts and sweets, I jumped at the chance and was munching on about 5 donuts. She kept of offering me donuts it got to the stage I said that's enough for me that's me full up.

At the end of the day it was good catching up on old issues and talking about times at school so I said goodbye to her and was so happy.

(The Days after that)

A couple of days after my mum was mentioning you have a bill from someone, I checked the bill and it was mentioning how many days I have left to pay the bill before action is taking. (I was so scared)

My mum was asking what's the bill for and I said I have no idea.

I read through the bill and the list was massive.

It had a list of the donuts and sweets I ate at my friends house also listing the prices beside them which looked reasonable. I was looking through the bill and noticed the bottle of wine I could not believe it she charged me for the full bottle. At the end I had to pay her court costs as the case went to court and I lost the case as the judge said I accepted the food and drink as soon as I walked in.

(Then I found out that it was just a dream) Imagine if that did happen to someone.